Friday, April 18, 2008

And the Battle Begins....Again

I lost 90 pounds in 8 months. Wow. A success story. 90 whole pounds on Weight Watchers. I was down to a size 18 and had big goals of being into a 12. Oh the horror, a 12. I mean that isn't a 0 or a 4, but hell it was an average American size and all I wanted to be was average. I fought food diligently for those 8 months almost to the point of being a bitch. I would tell people I just couldn't eat that or would turn my nose up at something that I knew would break me. It would cause me to binge. My husband and I even had a little celebration and threw out all of my bigger sizes. Then there was life, reality and a good swift kick in the teeth. We bought our first house, my business was growing at a huge rate and my grandmother beat her cancer. Wow, it all seems so great! Let's celebrate. We are doing amazing things, let's eat. Always in the back of my mind was the idea that I would get back on track when we we "settled" into the new house. Before I knew it I was sick from all of the bad food I was eating, my business grew too fast and I had to close and my grandmothers cancer came back with a vengance and only six weeks left to live. Oh yeah, and I was really fat again. Did I mention that? I hadn't been on a scale in 6 months.. I was wearing yoga pants all of the time to paint and run after the kids, go help my Grandmother, decorate the new house. Um, yeah..they stretch, maybe a little too much. I remember very well the night I needed to put on a pair of jeans. It as our anniversary and we were going to actually go out. I knew I had gained a little back. Ha, a little? I grabbed for the first pair of jeans I saw..a size 20. I was sure they would fit. I little snug maybe but hey it will work. No, they didn't even go up my thighs. I sat down and cried and cried. I couldn't understand how I didn't know I gained that much. Why? Because I was so busy with everyone else's needs that I just went on my way always thinking...yeah I'll get back on plan. After crying, I silently drove to the store to buy a scale. I stood there staring at my options and having an anxiety attack about having to step on it when I got home. Locking myself in the bathroom and stripping down to nothing but cellulite and rolls I got on. My heart actually stopped for a minute and then skipped a beat. I had gained EVERYTHING back. Six months was all it took. I actually even managed to weigh more than when I first started Weight Watchers. I was mortified. That was over a year ago. I spent the next year in self pity, letting people kick me while I was down, take away my joy and remind me it was "OK" to be the BIG Girl. Because you know if I "just lost a little weight" I would be beautiful, because I have "such a pretty face". I drank, I partied, I did favors for people I disliked just to be nice and not wanting them to talk about me behind my back. I was so concerned with someone screaming at me that I was FAT I didn't state my opinions or object to anything. I just faded away. I was there with a smile and good hair but my personality was gone.

I don't know what did it really, I mean what really made me decide to come back with full force. I spent that year in the evil grasp of "monster". She is mean spirited, racists, anti-liberal who complains about having to lose 10 pounds. I bent over backwards for this woman more than once. I let it slide when she told me my Grandmother's death should be expected because she was old, when she told me that I didn't know how to raise my kids. I closed my mouth every time she spewed out a racists slur or made me feel like my beliefs were wrong and when I got older I would realize that art, music and being good to the world were not important but that control and money were. This woman broke the tiny little bit of me that was left. Eat, drink and be merry. I wasn't merry at all. Finally, I had had enough. One day I deleted her email, then her phone, then her "space" and I kept going until she was completely removed from my life. I felt strong..alive and free to speak my mind again, free to hug a tree, free to volunteer, free to paint and just free to be me. I only had one thing standing in my way. ALL this DAMN FAT!!. So I have decided this is my here and now. This is my time to get my life where I know it should be. I started back counting points on Monday but in a whole new light. I won't be eating 100 calorie snack packs and using every new processed diet food on the market. I am going to eat clean, healthy home cooked non processed foods. I am going to teach myself how to eat this way forever and not just for 8 months or a year. Would I eat a 100 calorie snack pack if I wasn't "dieting"? No!! So I am not going to eat one with my new lifestyle change. I will cook, bake, saute and grill my way thinner. So here I am, long winded and dedicated, ready to face the beast and win this time. I am going to live the way that my Grandmother did, with joy and zest , just a little sarcasm but always a lady. And of course, if needed, some support hose.


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