Monday, April 27, 2009
I have alot to say today..big surprise right? I have alot of blog followers and get emails from all over the world.The supports is amazing and the questions always stir something inside of me, they tend to make me dig a little deeper. Just today an old high school friend asked if I had a "fear of success". At first I laughed that off..heck no, we all want to succeed. But did I really? I knew the fat me wasn't the real me but I had built a life around that girl. The dribble and compliance that came out of my mouth wasn't me but it was better than being judged for being fat. I was and still am scared of who I would become once the fat was gone and I was free to be me. Would my husband still love me? Would my Friends still be there? Would I finally be happy? These are all questions that weigh on my mind all of the time. I think in some ways my husband loves me more. Recently he left me this message "You have my full support, my oh-so beautiful lady. I have been with you through the past 8 years of life and am just amazed at how far you have come to make the ultimate change in your life as well as mine and our princesses'. I will never let you fall. I LOVE YOU!!!"
Some of my friends have stuck by me, some have drifted away and I have made some new ones. I have admittedly burnt some bridges while trying to find myself. I needed to work on myself and not deal with anyones's bullshit so in turn I lost some family as well as friends. I saddens me that this had to happen and even though I bitch endlessly on this blog about my sister in law the relationship with her is one that I wish was different. It probably won't ever be and that is something I have learned to accept. I stopped wanting her stamp of approval since discovering she never liked me to begin with. It is was it is and so I go on.
Head up I push through the pain, sweat, temptations and many tears to continue my journey. Today I stepped on the scale and am down 134 pounds. I am officially the lightest I have been in 10 years. 10 years wasted on self pity, self doubt and hiding my true self from the world. I am definitely making up for lost time. My ticker says I have 30 more pounds to lose, I can already tell that will not be enough for me to be at the athletic level I would like but there isn't a finish line anyway.
Googling my pounds lost I found a world record hamburger they make in Detroit. It costs $350.00 and weighs in at 134 pounds. I think this may be the funniest one so far.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
I can't help but say that as I am typing this I am watching an ABC News Special on "gifted" children and I can relate. My little middle daughter has been labeled as such. She is the tiniest girl in the class, one of the youngest and the school has asked to accelerate her into 1st grade for Math and Reading. She is 5 and reads at a last semester 1st grade level, same with math...pretty much same with everything. We are struggling with the idea of skipping her a grade. She is tiny and thinks her friends are just being silly when they say they can't read and write or speak spanish. She doesn't relate intellectually but socially I don't want her to be awkward either. We agreed to let them move her up for reading and math and to hold off until next year to see if she needs to skip completely. She is so tiny, polite and caring and her intelligence comes so naturally she doesn't understand when other kids don't get it but instead of judging she teaches them. She amazes me every day. All 3 of my girls are special in their own way, the oldest athletic and quite the social butterfly and the youngest, at 3, has the best sense of humor in a spitfire way even though she now spends 2 hours a day playing NickJr.com games.
Some days, when I just want to throw in the towel I realize that I want to be there when these 3 little girls become amazing women. I want to be there when they graduate, get married and have babies. I will not be a victim of myself.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
For my 1 year anniversary I tried a new workout at the gym, a hanging reverse crunch. I have been wanting to do this since I started there. I would always see these fit people hanging from this tower and working their abs, I never thought I could do it and yesterday I did a full set. My stomach hurt like hell this morning but I did it and I will do it again. These are all things I can do now that I couldn't a year ago:
- Cycle over 25 miles
- Play with my children
- Shop and not get tired
- Buy clothes from the "normal" size rack
- Paint my toenails without taking a break
- Keep up with my husband
- Feel bones in my ankles and collar
- Spend 45 minutes on the elliptical
- Walk 5 miles without taking a break
- No longer fear group exercise
- Wear my grandmother's jewelry
- Do crunches with 120 pounds
- Pull down 90 pounds on the lat machine
- Hold yoga poses without shaking
- Go to my children's school without embarrassment
- Dance and not feel winded
- Fit in any seat and not have to scan the room for one that will fit my ass
- Speak my mind without the fear of being judged by my weight
- Feel satisfied with a serving of dessert instead of the whole thing
- Cross my legs
- Get on my husbands motorcycle without feeling self conscious
- Love myself