Wednesday, January 27, 2010


Gumption, Tenacity, Perseverance and Hard Working. These are all words that have been used to describe me in the past month. So why don't I feel it? People ask advice, I give. People want support, I cheer them on. People want to be pushed to the point of almost puking, I can do that too. I am 22 months into this and want to lose 30+ more lbs. At my height I could easily lose 50. I was super morbidly obese. Yet right now I am struggling. I am not struggling with working out or eating right because that is natural to me. I am not struggling with losing because I am still losing, slower than the beginning but that is to be expected. I am struggling emotionally.
I can no longer be every one's cheerleader. I need to go back to just doing me. People ask advice but don't want to listen. Everyone wants weight loss quicker, faster, more. I want to run an 11 minute mile. I want to ride a century. I want to place in a Triathlon. These are MY goals. Some people may think I am being mean but I need to step back into my bubble. I need to do this for me.
You see everyone I know that has had a large amount of weight to lose has had WLS. EVERYONE. I don't know anyone in my small town area that has lost more than 100 pounds without surgery besides me. Is it easier? Is it harder? That is relative. It's like rating a work out. To some people hard is 30 minutes on the elliptical, to me hard is 45 minutes, level 2-18 NO Hands. We all have our own hard. Do I think it is easy to have your stomach, I really do not. I know how much I need to eat to work out the way I do. I couldn't do that with a tummy pouch and not sacrifice muscle. So what's the problem?
The problem is me. I have feelings and I have worked harder at this than I have at anything in my life. I want so badly to be a *results not typical story. I want this with such fire and passion that no one understands that my days are planned around my work outs. My meals are planned for weeks at a time. I have given up nights out with friends (sorry Isaac) because I knew I had to work out in the morning. Insert friends or acquaintances who have had WLS. 6, 7, 8, 9 months down the road and they have already lost 90-100% of their excess body weight. I admit I am a little jealous but mostly it is defeating. I work damn hard and it seems that once these people exceed my progress I feel as if they are trying to "one up" me.
I am the constant weight loss cheerleader, when failures occur and plateaus happen I am the first one to get the emails. I am also the first one to offer help but again emotionally I am drained. 22 months to get where I am today, another 5 months to get to my "goal" easy. That will be 27 months total (hopefully), maybe longer. The change is for a lifetime. So now I am discouraged, drained, tired and sore. I feel like a child at the beach that has spent all day building a sand castle just to have a bully come kick it down. And as a child would say...I am taking my toys and going home.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Spin & Sculpt

Well, I finally made it to my first Spin & Sculpt class. As a cyclists you would think I would LOVE it. No, I didn't like it a all. The class started at 8:15am and I arrived at 8am to find all of the bikes taken up. I was told to stick around because someone might leave. Someone did. Cool. I went and grabbed my weights and started to set up my bike. 1 out of the 2 instructors asked me if I needed help and I said no. I explained that I ride a road bike. She actually rolled her eyes at me. Then she looked down at my weights and proceeded to tell me that the 10lb weights would probably be too much for me. I curl 25's on a regular basis :o/ I told her I was fine and kept the weights. She marched out of the room and returned with 5lb weights and sat them next to me. She thought I might "need" them. I thought I really didn't need her attitude.
The 2nd instructor came in..this one actually knows me and was happy to see me there. While this is going on everyone is making a big deal out of the fact that all the bikes are full as more people are trying to get into an already full class. There was an actual discussion that if you weren't a "biggest loser" contestant then maybe you should give up your bike. My blood started to boil.
No I wasn't a biggest loser contestant but I have been a member of that gym for almost 2 years and I paid my dues just the same as anyone else. Just because these woman decided they want to lose weight for the new year didn't mean I was going to leave. So class started on a sour note.
We start spinning and are told to put it on a level 5. OK, I guess my level 5 and other peoples level 5 are different. Their legs are just spinning freely and lightly. So I ask...level 5 on a scale of??? I was told 1-10. Ok then you should be putting in some effort. It was pretty obvious to me at that point who was there to work and who was there for social hour.
I worked. Level 10 to me is about the same as a 20% grade hill so I pushed it and was sweating my ass off. I stuck with my chosen weights and found them to be almost too light for some of the "sculpting sets". Now, I know I work harder than a lot of people but these grown women were using 3-5 pound weights and have been taking this class for months. This wasn't my problem. The problem was the way they made me feel. I felt so unwelcome there. Like I didn't belong because I used heavier weight or I pushed myself too hard. I am not sure I will ever return to that class. Maybe I will just to piss them off :o)
I have a cycleops trainer here with my actual bike on it . I guess if I want to get ready for cycling season I will hop on that a couple of nights a week because quite honestly it's a better work out. Funny thing is I would challenge any one of the unwelcoming "spinners" to a 40 mile ride any day of the week.

Friday, January 15, 2010

Black Bean Brownies?

Before we get to this odd but yummy recipe I should probably tell you I have been dropping weight like a fat man at a sweat lodge ever since going back to counting my points. I have changed my workout routine on top of it~~ more reps, heavier weights and hard intervals on cardio days. I added yoga-lates a month or so ago and have been increasing my running speed. So maybe it isn't just the point counting but whatever it is I'll take it. I am thrilled because since August 1st I have only lost 30 pounds but that brings my total loss to around 160. I don't know the exact number because if you remember I had this horrid experience. That leaves me with 33 pounds to lose until my goal.

Now on to the brownies. Don't cringe at the idea. This is a WW thing and they are delish, chewy gooey fudgy so this it what you do:

1 box brownie mix
1 can (15 oz) black beans

Open the can of black beans, rinse well. With beans back in the can, add enough water to cover beans. Put in blender or food processor and puree. Add puree to brownie mix, and then bake according to package directions.

You DO NOT add the eggs or oil that the recipe calls for, JUST the black bean puree!

Makes 20 brownies-- 2 Weight Watcher Points each!

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Feel it, Don't Feed it.

I think my weight loss journey has been more therapeutic for me than any doctor ever could have been. For those of you who know me, you know I have been through a lot . Most of it in the first 22 years of my life. My dad was sick for years. From the time I was 8 I knew I wouldn't have him forever. He wouldn't see me at graduation, walk me down the aisle or hold his grand children. By the time I was 15 he was gone and so was my mothers sanity. I was left to care for my brother, myself and the house. At 16 I was paying the bills out of my mothers checking account because she would forget. At 17 I worked full time, went to high school and college...and frequently pulled my mom out of a bar at 2am.
My oldest daughter was molested by her biological father when she was only 3, we didn't find out until she was 7. It made statewide news and was the biggest story around my small town for 6 months. My husband, me and our children lived under police protection all through a very graphic trial in which I helped get him sentenced to 3 life terms.
My "rock" through all of this was my grandmother. 2 days before my 29th birthday she died after fighting cancer.
Now I know other people have been through worse but sometimes when you are so used to having food to comfort you and make you feel better, well sometimes you just feel like breaking down. I don't eat my emotions anymore. I cry. I don't hold back how I feel. I speak my mind.
So after all of this my mother calls today and decides she wants to lose weight. I am so happy to hear this because I think if she doesn't do something soon she will die. She starts going on and on about how she was at a good weight until my dad got sick and how it was too much to handle and........well, can imagine how this went. And at that moment, on the phone, and so sick of her finding excuses for neglecting herself and neglecting us when we had just lost our father I said "Well Mom, he's not sick anymore. He has been dead for 15 years. You need to do something or you will be dead too."
I don't know why I said it but in that moment I truly felt the 150+ pounds I have lost truly lift off of me. Hopefully some of you that read this can relate . Remember, feel it~ don't feed it.

Monday, January 11, 2010

Nike+ = LOVE

In my closet there are 3 pair of New Balance. Trail runners, motion control, stability ect.... Each and every pair I was "recommended" and each and every one of them make running a chore. I mean don't get me wrong if you just started running, like me, then running is hard anyway but I didn't realize how much harder I was making it on myself. Finally I went in search of the shoe. I found out I am a neutral runner with a midfoot strike and high arches. That means I don't under pronate, over pronate, heel strike or need any extra support. Complete opposite of what I was told before. My gait could of changed due to strength training and weight loss, I don't know.

The perfect shoe for my foot has now entered my life. It is the Nike+ Vomero 4. Cushioned for those long miles but flexible, light and a neutral runner. And of course I had to get a Nike+ Sportband to compliment them and track my miles. I have ran twice on the treadmill (I HATE the treadmill) and could of just kept on going but it was time to get Chloe from daycare. I didn't have to stop for a cramp and my legs feel great. I am a happy runner, maybe someday I will be a faster runner but for now I am HAPPY and pain free.

Saturday, January 2, 2010

I Love Larabars.

Seriously, LOVE. If you haven't ever had them I would highly recommend running to the store and trying them.Vegan, Raw, Gluten Free, Dairy Free, and awesome! I won a sample pack by posting on their blog and am now addicted. They run about 190 to 220 calories but are all natural. Most of them only have 3 ingredients and are so good for you. The great part it you wouldn't know by tasting them that they are healthy. My favorite so far has been the Key Lime Pie but I still have so many flavors to try. Here is the bummer. They are expensive. Most places have them for $2.00 or more each so I went on a search for recipes and found some. YAY. I will give them a try next week but they look pretty good so far.I just have to hunt down the key lime pie version.
  • Lay two pieces of plastic wrap on counter.
  • Place fruit in food processor and pulse until it has a paste-like texture. Transfer to a medium bowl.
  • Add nuts to food processor and pulse until finely chopped. Add nuts to bowl with the fruit.
  • Add all other ingredients.
  • Use fingers to knead into a paste.
  • Divide mixture in half. Place each half on plastic wrap. Wrap plastic around mixture and form into a bar shape.
  • Wrap tightly in plastic and store in the refrigerator.
    Makes 2 bars.

1/4 c. dates
1/4 c. dried cherries or cranberries
1/3 c. whole pecans, almonds or walnuts
1/8 tsp. cinnamon

Cashew Cookie Dough
1/3 c. dates
1/2 c. raw cashews

Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough
1/3 c. dates
1/2 c. raw cashews
1/2 tsp. vanilla extract
pinch of cinnamon
1/2 oz. finely chopped semisweet chocolate

1/4 c. dried blueberries
1/4 c. dates
1/3 c. almonds
1/2 tsp. finely grated lemon zest
1 drop almond extract

6 tablespoons dried apricots
2 tablespoons date
use almonds for the nuts.

Tropical fruit bits (check the bulk food aisle)
raw cashews for the nuts
1/8 teaspoon ground ginger
1/2 teaspoon finely grated lime zest
1 teaspoon fresh lime juice

PB & J
1/4 cup dried cherries or cranberries
1/4 cup raisins or dates
1/2 cup raw peanuts

1/4 cup dried blueberries
1/4 cup dates
1/2 cup raw almonds
1/2 teaspoon finely grated lemon zest
a drop of almond extract

Cashew Cookie Dough
1/3 cup dates
1/2 cup raw cashews

Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough
1/3 cup dates
1/2 cup raw cashews
1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
pinch of cinnamon
1/2 ounce very finely chopped semisweet or bittersweet chocolate

Pistachio Heaven
1/3 cup dates
1/2 cup raw pistachios
a drop of almond extract

Peanut Butter Cookie Dough
1/3 cup dates
1/2 cup raw peanuts