92 pounds lost...no it's not getting easier

This is work. Time consuming, ass kicking, sweaty, emotional work. I plan out my food to get the best fuel for my day. Soy crumbles have replaced hamburger and I have learned to make brownies with black beans. I know how much oil I need to eat to keep healthy and which kind of oil that is. I know when to start breathing deep on the elliptical and at which mile marker on the treadmill I need to stretch my back out. This is not easy at all. Fitness is a commitment, weight loss is a commitment. I am not losing weight for vanity. I am losing weight to run, cycle and swim. To jump up and down with my children. To chase them quickly if they decide to escape into a road. I am losing weight because my husband and I enjoy being active. Racing, competing, sweating.

Recently I was asked what finally got me motivated...what was my ah hah moment? I don't know if I had just one moment where I decided I had to lose the weight. I just found myself physically wanting to push farther and my body not being able to keep up. It's a hell of alot more work to cycle 10, 20 even 50 miles when you are fat. I lift weights, not little weights. Ab crunches with 120 pounds and leg lifts with 100 pounds..I am not weak. I have never been weak just too busy focusing on others needs instead of my own. Too busy wallowing in self pity to realize my full potential.

As a team Jeramy and I could teach classes on nutrition and fitness. Is that lifestyle for everyone? No, not at all. We do it because it makes us happy and takes the stress away. I guess my point is that none of this has been easy, the rest I want to lose won't be easy and maintaining it won't be easy but for all my hard work I am happier and healthier and I get to share all of this with my best friend, my husband.

Now you wanna see what 92 pounds looks like..check out this fish...that's alot of weight to lose. Imagaine carrying that thing around all day.

I have lost an Olsen Twin

Seriously, I googled 81 pounds and an article about Mary Kate showed up, funny. The weight loss has been slow the past 2 weeks but I know it is due to a bigger than usual loss the week before and increasing weights at the gym. I have decided that once I reach my goal weight I am going to buy one of the ellipticals from the gym. Then I am going to drag it out front and beat it to peices with a sledge hammer. That thing is the devil...not even close to the kind of wimpy wanna be devil that comes from a store bought or precor elliptical though. These things are hard core. Old school reebok ellipticals that have Jeramy sweating from his forarms after 15 minutes. I hate to love that machine.

I am thrilled I made my first goal of 75 pounds by my 30th birthday..that alone has me tickled pink. I posted a photo of my progress, it isn't the best quality because I took it with my cell. I will talk Jeramy into taking a good one soon. BTW, to all of my friends who turn 30 soon, it's not all that bad. I keep referring to myself as 29.1 and I was hoping to stop getting carded. It was a quiet birthday..just the way I like it. I got my hair cut off, I went out for dinner, got some gifts and slept alot through the rain after watching 2 of my favorite 80's movies: Eddie and the Cruisers and Girls just want to have Fun. The haircut made me happy as it was way past my shoulders and thick and big. It is now a nice tapered bob that will continue to give my flat iron something to do. Love you all and I hope to see some of you at Juke's Bar on October 10th.

60+ gone gone gone

Well, here I am after losing 62 pounds, I have found out that I am a workout junkie, an addict if you will. I love the feeling of my heart pounding and the sweat dripping down my face as the elliptical moves in rythm with my music of choice. I love cranking the incline on the treadmill and wasting away 30 minutes. I love the 7 mile bike rides Jeramy and I go on through the Flat River Trail. Oh and I love the feeling of putting up the weights and feeling my muscles scream. Most of all I feel good about what I am doing to my body. I am not in this to just lose weight. I am in this to be healthier for me, my husband, my children and some day far, far in the future my grandchildren. I have no desire to be stick thin, I want to be athletic. I want definition and tone. A couple years out of high school a friend and I were walking through the mall. I was stopped by an older woman just to be told how beautiful I was. I don't need the ego stroking nor do I want it but I want to feel that way again. My husband goes with me every night to the gym. It is a commitment we made with each other. Those of you that know him realize he doesn't need much work in the "workout" department but the first time I lasted the entire program on the elliptical I was so proud I had to go drag him from the weight training corner to show him. We compare the amount of weights we lift. It's not a competition, we just feel good about it. Our lives have changed so much. We only drink once every few months, try to eat organic and whole wheat and know the fat, protien and fiber content of everything in the house..hell, probably everything in your house. I even have recipes for all natural breads, muffins and cakes so I am not totally torturing the kids. To my WW buddies, keep it up...heres to 60 more!

Now it's 50

50 pounds are gone. Seems like a huge amount to most people but when you have alot to lose it is almost as defeating as it is encouraging. The healthy choices are still easy for me to make it is just at this point I would like to hit the fast forward button. I guess if I could do that then I wouldn't fully appreciate the outcome. I just keep on truckin'. I got my grandmothers beach cruiser type bike with silver fenders and all. Over the weekend we went 11-12 miles. It felt good. I ripped my freakin' toe open from being stupid and wearing flip flops but it really felt nice to know I can ride for a long time and I am only getting started again. I am a tough chic though. When I slipped my pedal and ripped my toe open I just kept on going the rest of the 5 miles. Kinda gross though, Jeramy had to cut the extra skin off and pull grass out of it..yeah it's pretty bad but oh well. We go again tonight....8 more miles.

40 Freakin' Pounds

I have lost 40 pounds. Amazing right? Well, I think the amazing part is that I have so much more to lose. I have been through a personal hell the last couple of years..I mean true hell. From what happened to Brianne to my Grandmother's death and everything in between life has been pretty rough. But through some time spent with old friends I realized I needed to worry more about me and less about everyone else. I wanted to be me again. I "edited" my life so to speak. Negative influences be gone. I miss my dad, I miss my grandma but most of all I missed myself. So this first 40 pounds is alot more than fat. I am starting to peel off this covering I seemed to have put on, my protective shield from reality. You know when you start working on yourself the people that were in the habit of using you don't like it too much. You seem to become their scape goat. The funny thing is being the fat "pretty" girl gets you alot of attention. You suddenly aren't competition anymore so you become an ear, a shoulder to cry on even. I have learned so much by being that shoulder, things people would never want others to know. Part of me wanted to scream those things from the rooftops but then I lost 40 pounds....now I don't care what those people do with their secrets, their affairs, their hatred. I don't care what they say about me or the lies they tell. Because I know me and karma and Karma are both bitches. I am 40 pounds closer to my goal and this time I am doing it for me.

And the Battle Begins....Again

I lost 90 pounds in 8 months. Wow. A success story. 90 whole pounds on Weight Watchers. I was down to a size 18 and had big goals of being into a 12. Oh the horror, a 12. I mean that isn't a 0 or a 4, but hell it was an average American size and all I wanted to be was average. I fought food diligently for those 8 months almost to the point of being a bitch. I would tell people I just couldn't eat that or would turn my nose up at something that I knew would break me. It would cause me to binge. My husband and I even had a little celebration and threw out all of my bigger sizes. Then there was life, reality and a good swift kick in the teeth. We bought our first house, my business was growing at a huge rate and my grandmother beat her cancer. Wow, it all seems so great! Let's celebrate. We are doing amazing things, let's eat. Always in the back of my mind was the idea that I would get back on track when we we "settled" into the new house. Before I knew it I was sick from all of the bad food I was eating, my business grew too fast and I had to close and my grandmothers cancer came back with a vengance and only six weeks left to live. Oh yeah, and I was really fat again. Did I mention that? I hadn't been on a scale in 6 months.. I was wearing yoga pants all of the time to paint and run after the kids, go help my Grandmother, decorate the new house. Um, yeah..they stretch, maybe a little too much. I remember very well the night I needed to put on a pair of jeans. It as our anniversary and we were going to actually go out. I knew I had gained a little back. Ha, a little? I grabbed for the first pair of jeans I saw..a size 20. I was sure they would fit. I little snug maybe but hey it will work. No, they didn't even go up my thighs. I sat down and cried and cried. I couldn't understand how I didn't know I gained that much. Why? Because I was so busy with everyone else's needs that I just went on my way always thinking...yeah I'll get back on plan. After crying, I silently drove to the store to buy a scale. I stood there staring at my options and having an anxiety attack about having to step on it when I got home. Locking myself in the bathroom and stripping down to nothing but cellulite and rolls I got on. My heart actually stopped for a minute and then skipped a beat. I had gained EVERYTHING back. Six months was all it took. I actually even managed to weigh more than when I first started Weight Watchers. I was mortified. That was over a year ago. I spent the next year in self pity, letting people kick me while I was down, take away my joy and remind me it was "OK" to be the BIG Girl. Because you know if I "just lost a little weight" I would be beautiful, because I have "such a pretty face". I drank, I partied, I did favors for people I disliked just to be nice and not wanting them to talk about me behind my back. I was so concerned with someone screaming at me that I was FAT I didn't state my opinions or object to anything. I just faded away. I was there with a smile and good hair but my personality was gone.

I don't know what did it really, I mean what really made me decide to come back with full force. I spent that year in the evil grasp of "monster". She is mean spirited, racists, anti-liberal who complains about having to lose 10 pounds. I bent over backwards for this woman more than once. I let it slide when she told me my Grandmother's death should be expected because she was old, when she told me that I didn't know how to raise my kids. I closed my mouth every time she spewed out a racists slur or made me feel like my beliefs were wrong and when I got older I would realize that art, music and being good to the world were not important but that control and money were. This woman broke the tiny little bit of me that was left. Eat, drink and be merry. I wasn't merry at all. Finally, I had had enough. One day I deleted her email, then her phone, then her "space" and I kept going until she was completely removed from my life. I felt strong..alive and free to speak my mind again, free to hug a tree, free to volunteer, free to paint and just free to be me. I only had one thing standing in my way. ALL this DAMN FAT!!. So I have decided this is my here and now. This is my time to get my life where I know it should be. I started back counting points on Monday but in a whole new light. I won't be eating 100 calorie snack packs and using every new processed diet food on the market. I am going to eat clean, healthy home cooked non processed foods. I am going to teach myself how to eat this way forever and not just for 8 months or a year. Would I eat a 100 calorie snack pack if I wasn't "dieting"? No!! So I am not going to eat one with my new lifestyle change. I will cook, bake, saute and grill my way thinner. So here I am, long winded and dedicated, ready to face the beast and win this time. I am going to live the way that my Grandmother did, with joy and zest , just a little sarcasm but always a lady. And of course, if needed, some support hose.