Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Big Fat Lies..

That's what I told myself as I was gaining all of the weight. I think all of us do it to some point but I feel I was extreme. Yet, still I NEVER lied about my weight. I would just never tell it to anyone. You see every time I had to go buy the next size up I always made an excuse of some sort..the holidays, poorly cut patterns, cheap jeans, different brands...I just never wanted to accept that is was my ass getting bigger and not the clothes getting smaller. I think I told myself these lies to keep from having a break down. The truth is I got heavier because I ate too much and moved too little, I wasn't paying attention to my emotions I was eating them and I thought I would wake up one day and it would all be a bad dream. I find that now I am body dismorphic, sometimes I don't even recognize myself in the reflections I see. I would say I have fat amnesia but I don't. First of all because technically I am still fat, I still have a lot to lose but most of all because I remember. I remember being tired and out of breath, I remember my knees hurting all the time and I remember being terrified of going to my daughters school because I would be stared at...I will never forget. Just like I have a drawer of size 10's I plan on getting into I also have a drawer full of my largest clothes. I still look at them and wonder how I could justify my size but I can't come up with another lie. It was me I was morbidly obese. I am still "overweight" and work towards a healthy body image every day. All this being said I watched Oprah today and Star Jones was on. I can't help but want to slap her. First she lied about surgery and then she lied about her weight and then again she lies and say she has maintained....does she think we are blind? Surgery is a big step and she could of been an intelligent, helpful spokesperson for it but instead she wallowed in shame and hid it away. She also could of told the truth about her weight..C'mon..300lbs. YEAH RIGHT! That's like believing Kristie Alley was 220 at her highest and then she says she is proud to have she has gained back a little. I wish these people could just be honest and say it's hard no matter what you do or how you do it, it's damn hard. Women that lie about there weight are only making it worse. A size 10 is not a size 2 so please don't try to tell me you are one when I clearly can see you. I am not blind. People that do this are only hurting themselves. I am proud to say for the first time in a long time I am honest with myself about my weight..I know where I have been and I know where I am going and I am OK with that.


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