Monday, April 27, 2009

134 Pound Burger and The Fear of Success

I have alot to say today..big surprise right? I have alot of blog followers and get emails from all over the world.The supports is amazing and the questions always stir something inside of me, they tend to make me dig a little deeper. Just today an old high school friend asked if I had a "fear of success". At first I laughed that off..heck no, we all want to succeed. But did I really? I knew the fat me wasn't the real me but I had built a life around that girl. The dribble and compliance that came out of my mouth wasn't me but it was better than being judged for being fat. I was and still am scared of who I would become once the fat was gone and I was free to be me. Would my husband still love me? Would my Friends still be there? Would I finally be happy? These are all questions that weigh on my mind all of the time. I think in some ways my husband loves me more. Recently he left me this message "You have my full support, my oh-so beautiful lady. I have been with you through the past 8 years of life and am just amazed at how far you have come to make the ultimate change in your life as well as mine and our princesses'. I will never let you fall. I LOVE YOU!!!"
Some of my friends have stuck by me, some have drifted away and I have made some new ones. I have admittedly burnt some bridges while trying to find myself. I needed to work on myself and not deal with anyones's bullshit so in turn I lost some family as well as friends. I saddens me that this had to happen and even though I bitch endlessly on this blog about my sister in law the relationship with her is one that I wish was different. It probably won't ever be and that is something I have learned to accept. I stopped wanting her stamp of approval since discovering she never liked me to begin with. It is was it is and so I go on.
Head up I push through the pain, sweat, temptations and many tears to continue my journey. Today I stepped on the scale and am down 134 pounds. I am officially the lightest I have been in 10 years. 10 years wasted on self pity, self doubt and hiding my true self from the world. I am definitely making up for lost time. My ticker says I have 30 more pounds to lose, I can already tell that will not be enough for me to be at the athletic level I would like but there isn't a finish line anyway.
Googling my pounds lost I found a world record hamburger they make in Detroit. It costs $350.00 and weighs in at 134 pounds. I think this may be the funniest one so far.


ShellyD said...

Congratulations on the loss!! You are doing so well and you're my inspiration.

I hear you about success!! I have so many questions in my head and the what-if's. Mine is: will being thinner make me a better at selling my glass work. Am I setting myself up for failure. Who will I be, will I be more acceptable. And if think is the only reason you want to talk to me then is your friendship worth it (here we are talking about some of my family). I also have a SIL from hell and thanks to her, my brother and I hardly see it other albeit for the odd family occasion we crack the nod to.

Keep at it!! And before you know it those 30 pounds will be gone, gone, gone. :))

Crazy one from SA

Anonymous said...

I love how you google to find items that weigh how much you've lost! :) You know, I think I'm just as scared of becoming more successful once I lose weight. For so many years my weight has held me back and the fear of the unknown (how I'll respond to losing weight, how I'll feel, how I'll be perceived and treated differently). I still become angry when I realize how life is going to be different for me. Although losing weight has so many benefits, I will still be very aware of the people who treated me like crap and those who are completely shallow.

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