An Emotional Mess

Walking into the gym alone I felt great, my husband was at home playing with his motorcycle. I am well past my gym fear and onto how hard can I sweat. I climbed upon the elliptical and set the time for 45 minutes..again everything as usual. About 15 minutes in I started to think about my dad. 15 years ago next month he died. He had his 5th heart attack and was gone. He was fit, in shape and played AA baseball. He was handsome, funny and tall. He loved his family more than anything..I wish he would of loved himself a little more. If just once he would of put down the cigarettes, stopped eating the bacon and got some cardio..well, I believe he would still be here. I have spent years so mad at him. Mad at him for not caring enough to change his habits. Right there on the elliptical I started crying, I pushed through and felt strength like I never have before. There is no way I could ever put my children through what he put us through. It just keeps eating at me. On the plus side I did 2.5 miles in 45 minutes on that devil machine..not bad for someone who just rode 23 miles on Sunday.