Monday, October 4, 2010

One step at a time...

That's what I tell myself when I am running. One step at a time. I ran 5 miles yesterday, straight through. My dad used to say "It's just one foot in front of the other".
The thing about running is that it's just you and your thoughts. When I am on my bike I feel free, I move fast and I zone out. Running is so much harder for me, my mind wonders in a different way.
Yesterday I thought about where I have been and where I am going on this journey. I am a changed person but I am the same in so many ways. I didn't magically gain the ability to control my cravings and run overnight. 30 months. I have been pushing through, struggling and striving for 30 months. People say I should be proud of what I have done. I am. People see me working out and wonder how I work that hard every day. I have to.  I have to because even though I am smaller, fitter, healthier these are the things I still think:
  • Will I be able to fit?
  • Am I the biggest girl in the room?
  • Can people see my loose skin?
Things get easier but the mindset of a big girl is still there. In the same moment that I hope for tasty and delicious foods at get togethers I fear that same food. I have triggers that send me into mindless eating overdrive. More often than not I can control myself but sometimes I just want to cry. I see naturally thin people standing around the bag of LAY'S and devouring the dip without even thinking. Cheesy chili dips, cookies, chocolate, fresh baked breads, anything sauteed, grilled and most definitely barbecued. I don't have cravings for these things but if I get a taste I may not stop. Just like a recovering alcoholic, I will always be in recovery.
Remember this as you read my blog. I may be healthy and thinner now. I may write about 5 mile runs and 50 mile bike rides but deep down I am still that girl. I struggle and fight, I count my points and work out 6 days a week. I can run 5 miles and I have done it all one step at a time.


Anonymous said...

I don't have an account but I always read your blog.
I have A LOT of weight to loose and have realised through finding your blog that i've been in severe denial for so long. In the past I have found it very hard to relate to other people who don't have so much weight to loose. My journey seemed so much longer and out of reach for me. I joined WW three weeks ago and have lost a steady amount of 2 pounds a week and I know I can do better if i'm more honest with myself and take control.

Thank you for your raw honesty in this blog of yours, it has inspired me to care about myself and have a little more faith.

More power to you.

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