Gumption, Tenacity, Perseverance and Hard Working. These are all words that have been used to describe me in the past month. So why don't I feel it? People ask advice, I give. People want support, I cheer them on. People want to be pushed to the point of almost puking, I can do that too. I am 22 months into this and want to lose 30+ more lbs. At my height I could easily lose 50. I was super morbidly obese. Yet right now I am struggling. I am not struggling with working out or eating right because that is natural to me. I am not struggling with losing because I am still losing, slower than the beginning but that is to be expected. I am struggling emotionally.
I can no longer be every one's cheerleader. I need to go back to just doing me. People ask advice but don't want to listen. Everyone wants weight loss quicker, faster, more. I want to run an 11 minute mile. I want to ride a century. I want to place in a Triathlon. These are MY goals. Some people may think I am being mean but I need to step back into my bubble. I need to do this for me.
You see everyone I know that has had a large amount of weight to lose has had WLS. EVERYONE. I don't know anyone in my small town area that has lost more than 100 pounds without surgery besides me. Is it easier? Is it harder? That is relative. It's like rating a work out. To some people hard is 30 minutes on the elliptical, to me hard is 45 minutes, level 2-18 NO Hands. We all have our own hard. Do I think it is easy to have your stomach rerouted..no, I really do not. I know how much I need to eat to work out the way I do. I couldn't do that with a tummy pouch and not sacrifice muscle. So what's the problem?
The problem is me. I have feelings and I have worked harder at this than I have at anything in my life. I want so badly to be a *results not typical story. I want this with such fire and passion that no one understands that my days are planned around my work outs. My meals are planned for weeks at a time. I have given up nights out with friends (sorry Isaac) because I knew I had to work out in the morning. Insert friends or acquaintances who have had WLS. 6, 7, 8, 9 months down the road and they have already lost 90-100% of their excess body weight. I admit I am a little jealous but mostly it is defeating. I work damn hard and it seems that once these people exceed my progress I feel as if they are trying to "one up" me.
I am the constant weight loss cheerleader, when failures occur and plateaus happen I am the first one to get the emails. I am also the first one to offer help but again emotionally I am drained. 22 months to get where I am today, another 5 months to get to my "goal" easy. That will be 27 months total (hopefully), maybe longer. The change is for a lifetime. So now I am discouraged, drained, tired and sore. I feel like a child at the beach that has spent all day building a sand castle just to have a bully come kick it down. And as a child would say...I am taking my toys and going home.
About me
- Tiffany
- On a quest to lose weight and become an athlete...what the hell was I thinking?
4 comments:
Hi there,
You are doing great :-) There is nothing wrong with focusing on yourself - you need to do this.
My loss has also been slow and I'm not willing to compromise on my work outs or cycling to make the loss quicker. Yes, I get frustrated with some who purely just diet and seem to lose it quicker than me :-((
I just did my first cycling century this past weekend (103km) - it was JUST what I needed. :-))
Good luck - cannot wait to hear about everything you get up to.
Michelle
SA
"The problem is me. I have feelings and I have worked harder at this than I have at anything in my life. I want so badly to be a *results not typical story. I want this with such fire and passion that no one understands that my days are planned around my work outs. "
Girl, when I read this, you have no idea how much I feel you. You are 22 months out. I am 3+ years out and still struggling to lose that last 40-50. I often wonder where my damned butterfly ending is!?! It's maddening, and you're right, self-defeating. I think it's good to recognize and feel the anger/disappointment, but do what you keep doing and move forward too.
In the end, regardless of what we see on the scales or that reflection in the mirror you have know that the vested interest you are taking in your physical health is worth something. And to somebody somewhere, you are their hero, and you may not even know it.
I'm working with coaches now who know nothing about RNY so it is been an experience for them. Nutrition is the key and it's finding that proper amount to fuel your body and activity and keep healthy.
Feel discouraged today, but wipe it out with a swim/bike/run and recall when you couldn't even fathom doing it! Keep up the great job... I see big things in your future. :)
Tiffany, it's totally OK and not selfish to be feeling what you're feeling. Care-givers need care, too. If you aren't getting what you need from others, you'll run out of ability to give.
You are doing great! Take this "me" time and really milk it. Then when you ease back into a support role, keep it in balance.
It's so meaningful that you help others along in this journey. You have a beautiful heart!
Tiffany,
I have spent the better part of the past three nights reading you entire blog from post #1. I found you through your "shamless plug before and after pics" *or something like that* on the WW message boards. I can not begin to tell you how motivating and wonderful your journey has been for me to read about. Your ideals and your desire to be an Athlete have moved me and made me second think about how I am doing my own plan and if I am "spending" my WW Points to the best of my ability.
After seeing this post, I felt I needed to tell you (and yes, I realise I am just another voice out here that says wow,congrats, etc)that I want you to know there will always be haters, but as for me, I see your loss and your progress as so much more than weight loss. You are already well beyond the *results not typical* ascpect in my book. I have over 250 lbs to lose, and I will do it through WW and exercise. I could go with WLS, but like so many others, I realise that unless I learn to face and combat the reasons I overeat and under-move, then I will surely just deflate and re-inflate in a few years.
I managed to loose 200 lbs back in 2005/2006 with WW principles but no mtgs or etools.. I got over confident, fell off the wagon and regained 100+lbs. I never made it a lifestyle...I didn't fully learn my lesson. I have to learn all of that this time if I am to survive and continue to be healthy.
I hear you loud and clear about the "one uping"... but please remember, and NO OFFENCE TO WLS PEOPLE... But for the majority of them they have only shed pounds. You have gained strength, muscle, stamina, and the love of physical activities in a way that many of us (big and small) will never experience in our entire lives.
Well, I must say your story and determination have inspired me to get moving and see what kind of Athlete I can find in me. My fiance is an avid runner, and would give nothing more than to see me find joy in a sport or any activity..lol.. I never really thought my body would be able to endure much more than being a walker, nore have I ever found great joy in the thought of more... but I am excited now to see if I can find that spark somewhere inside.
I wish you all the best, and maybe I will see you one day on a bike path, or a 5K, etc. Hell... maybe all of your fans should rally together at one of your races to be YOUR sign holders! My best to you and your family.. I love the way you write and express this journey... it really helps someone like me!
- Shaybie from WW e-tools
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